as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
