Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
i've created a new STD.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
