see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
