The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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