Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
