Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
