Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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