There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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