I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
