You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
