Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
