Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
