Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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