Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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