Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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