i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
