we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
