i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
