I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
