mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
