Already got asked if we're dating
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
