I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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