How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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