The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
