i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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