you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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