I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
