I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
