I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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