Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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