So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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