I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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