I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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