I'm jealous of your bromance
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
