the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
