Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
