She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
