could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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