Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
false alarm. still invincible.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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