there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
