Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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