You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
