So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
