I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
