don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
