my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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