did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
