you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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