Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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