look no pants
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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