Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
