I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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